And you are very clever dog, if you are reading this forum.

az:

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
...
The clerk  replied, "Because you're in Home Depot"...

Yep, no one likes Polish people.

Алекс, ну ты такой правильный.....типичный американец (впрочем я тебе много раз это говорил ). А вот не очень политкорректная старинная шутка из Детройта

How many polish guys does it take to replace a bulb? The answer is  - five: the first  one is actually holding the bulb and the 4 remaining once are turning the table on which the first one stays.

В детском саду !!!  Обадлеть - я то услыхал первый раз на военной кафедре, естественно, про её обитателей. 

 Кстати был шокирован когда спросил у одного американского другана - бывшего морпеха- а не красят ли , часом, траву в американских гарнизонах. Он ничтоже сумняшеся сказал ничуть не удивившись и не рисуясь,  мол, если генерал действительно больщая шишка, то без покраски травы никак не обойтись..... С тех пор я мало чему в америках удивляюсь, потому как слишком много узнаваемого. Слыхал также  (на английском естественно) анекдот о том,  как кого учат руки мыть после туалета, а кого просто не ссать на руки.

Эт-т точно.

Кстати (поразительная штука) то, что в америках напоминает советские реалии, воспринимается как то естественно и с каким то внутренним одобрением. А вот в Дании ,например (сижу, блин , смотрю на темное окошко за которым бушует ночной шторм с ливнем) есть что-то неуловимо русское (ну к примеру запашок в чистых с виду туалетах) - и это не нравится!

Стасяра:

How many polish guys does it take to replace a bulb? The answer is  - five: the first  one is actually holding the bulb and the 4 remaining once are turning the table on which the first one stays.

How many North Californians does it take to replace a light bulb? The answer is: hella. xD

PS: Hella - это местное словечко от "hell of" - по-русски будет "до черта".

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million.."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

denis1968:

 

А где слова "которых" и "пугают"?

 

To buffalo - можно перевести как "пугать".

A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment satisfying her ....'urges' as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive".
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, stammers, "You're bullshittin' me!".
The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta  351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6  miles!"
Delta 351: "Give  us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45  Degrees."
TWA 2341:  "Centre,  we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft:  "I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

A student became lost during a solo cross-country  flight.  While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,  "What  was your last known  position?"
Student:  "When I was number one for takeoff."

A  DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an  exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:  "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A  Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in   Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in  German):  "Ground,  what is our start clearance  time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .  Why must I speak English?
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.  The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.  Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.  Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I  made it out of DC-8 parts.  Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird  206: "   Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active  runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206.  Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a  stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):  "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt  before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly) : "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."


While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?  I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!  You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.  I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now  shouting hysterically:  "God!  Now you've screwed everything up!  It'll take forever to sort this out!  You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!  You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!  You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.  Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.  Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't  I married to you  once?"

Юмор неплохой за исключением немецких тем с войнушкой, победители хреновы...

Guest:Юмор неплохой за исключением немецких тем с войнушкой, победители хреновы...

Ну же, Guest, хочется дискуссий по историческим вопросам - прошу в соответствующую тему. Где-то мы уже обсуждали вторую мировую и роль американцев в ней.

Guest:у американцев акцент американский, а не английский, товарищ az. Дискуссий, наверное, хочется Вам

Некий англичанин сказал одной моей знакомой девушке, прожившей пару лет в США и приехавшей в Англию - "What a funny language you picked up over there...", на что получил вполне законный ответ - "Well, I like your accent too..."

А подискутировать я завсегда с удовольствием, ежели оппонент достойный и тема интересная.

Humor This lady gets on a plane with her pet poodle. A man sits next to her. A few hours into the flight the man lights up a cigarette. The poodle starts to cough and weeze. The lady asks the man politly to put out the cigarette. He says"I paid for first class and I'm gonna smoke!" A few hours later the man lights up another cigarette. The poodle again starts to cough and wheeze. SO the lady asks, not so politley, for him to put the cigarette out. He again says,"I paid for first class lady, and I'm gonna smoke!", so she waits. Eventually the man lights up another cigarette. The dog almost chokes to death. The lady says,"Listen, I make a deal with you, I'll throw my poodle out the window if you will through your cigarette out the window.", well the man agrees its a fair bargian and the both toss out the window the poodle and the cigarette. When the plane lands, the lady gets of the plane and to her surprise the poodle is sitting on the wing of the plane! And guess what it has in it's mouth???

An aircraft is about to crash...

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if Idied". So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says "I am the President of the
United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics.
And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die". So, he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."